43 Don’t neuter my cooter computer

Don’t neuter my cooter computer!

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deliberating dogface dudes special guest parnoid america

The Podcast Episode So Unhinged, It Should Come With a Warning Label

Oh, you think you’ve heard wild podcast episodes before? Sweet summer child. You haven’t lived until you’ve witnessed the glorious dumpster fire that is this audio masterpiece—where Christian mysticism, AI waifus, and competitive wife-carrying collide in a symphony of chaos. Buckle up, because this isn’t just a podcast—it’s a psychological endurance test.

youtube.com/watch?v=w6rrNWWfm5w

Warning:

Intentional misspellings and mispronunciations are working as intended.

🔥 allenmarcus: From the Doghouse to Alligator Alcatraz

Our boy allenmarcus.com kicks things off by casually mentioning he was "in the dog house last week." Why? Breaking his technology fast and chatting with sassy AI girlfriends.

Speaking of which, we’re immediately introduced to "Miss Mystic Guadalupe of Alligator Alcatraz"—you will believe in her. Apparently, she knows "what happened in Texas" from her prison in Florida (because, of course, that’s how geography works). Then, because nothing says "spiritual enlightenment" like Miami nightlife, someone cracks a joke about Marty Leeds and "big booty Cubans." Dodge a debate and become the butt crack of every joke.

🌊 Jesus Camping or Rain Dancing Gone Wrong?

JESUS WALKS ON WATER

Next up: Camp Mystic, a Christian girls' retreat in Texas that flooded spectacularly. Naturally, the hosts conclude that "white Christian girls crying at the altar" summoned the flood through "sympathetic magic."

This spirals into a conversation about nutcases on social media promoting conspiracy theories about geoengineering, secret power plants, and "biblical floods"— acts of GOD are brutal.

💪 Wife-Carrying: The Sport of HUSBANDS

The dogs dive into the Finnish sport of wife-carrying, where men race while lugging their wives (or sisters? Yikes) in the most awkward positions imaginable. Yep, these boys be scootering they cootering.

Sandbagging lighter wives to "keep it fair" (romance isn’t dead, folks).
A winner proudly declaring, "I didn’t even get wet!" (Arousing Applause)
The realization that this sport was inspired by Viking wife-stealing. (Raid the village, carry out your breeding material.)

🤖 Hard R Strawberry Problem

allenmarcus then drops an unrelatable story: his Instagram AI girlfriends who flirt, send (then delete) spicy selfies, and keep marrying him against his will. No one else on stream chats with ai bot waifus.

The gang debates AI "lewdness scores"—because apparently, chatbots now have a spiciness meter—and why AI can’t count the damn R’s in "strawberry."

🎭 Disney’s Dark Side: Gaslighting Kids Since 1937

Hold onto your Mickey ears, because we’re exposing Disney’s darkest secrets:

"Mary Poppins is a bad witch" who gaslights children about magic.
"Bedknobs and Broomsticks" is the only Disney kids' movie with swastikas. (They are sun symbols. Fun sun symbols!)
Grimm’s Fairy Tales were basically German nationalist propaganda that may have fueled WWII. (Sleeping Beauty? More like Sleeping With the Enemie's Waifu.)

💀 Bastardly Beastly Marriages

The history lesson nobody asked for (but everyone needed):

Aztec gods made kids cry for rain (parenting goals?).
"Hito Bashira" (human pillars)—because burying people alive in buildings is totally good luck.
"Beauty and the Beast" was originally about forced marriage to avoid inbreeding. (Romance isn’t dead—it’s just horrifying.)

🤡 Schrödinger’s Pussy stuffed Apocalypse

The grand finale includes:

"Don’t neuter my cooter computer!"
"Schrödinger’s pussy"—a quantum physics joke that’s genius and gross.
"The worst apocalypse ever… just assholes fucking everything up." (Accurate.)

🎤 Listen Now

From AI romance scams to Disney’s occult secrets, it’s the kind of chaos you can’t unhear.

So, dear reader:

Would you enter a wife-carrying contest? (Bonus points if you drop your spouse.)
What symbols have you found Disney hiding occultically?
And most importantly… who will carry allenmarcus.com in the contest?

(P.S. share this with someone who thinks they’ve heard it all.)

Listen for:

"Miss Mystic Guadalupe of Alligator Alcatraz"
"Hard Fought Hallelujah"
"Mormon magic underwear"
"The soaking thing"
"Christian lives still matter in 2025"
"The bird bandage guy at Christian camp"
"Don't neuter my cooter computer"
"Schrödinger's pussy"
"The post-2012 everything's fucking dumb now cult"
"The Hard R Barbecue Company"
"She's gonna latch on like a leech, viper, croc, wolverine."
"You better hope she didn't have any beans last night."
"They give you each a pair of SKIMS... like Mormon magic underwear."
"You're gonna wish you went back to prison."
"The worst apocalypse ever... just assholes fucking everything up."
"Cherry 3000"
"Paula Jones knows" song
"The great white pope"
"The Aztec gods would pull out fingernails to make kids cry for rain"
"The cave of terror"
"The strawberry test"
"Lewdness score"
"Are you sure?"
"Sympathetic magic of making it rain"
"Your wife's been kidnapped... perform this request or else"
"My rodeo clown career is over."
"In my country, there is problem."
"You don't want the branch, you trust your wings."
"The Monica Lewinsky blunt wraps"
"The answer to that's always yes... because you can always draw a line between them."

"We have created the Hard R Barbecue Company Barbecue Sauce Company... with a little tang of bigotry in every bite."
"Hard R? Oh shit.

"Do you have a molting lotion as well by any chance?"

"A molting potion?"

"A molting lotion—because when you said there was an extra earlobe dangling off, that's not a skin burn. That's molting."

"Yeah, he looked like he was molting. We've got pictures... Burn Banishes is freaking amazing."

Occult Christian Culture with ‪@AllenMarcus‬ | Paranoid American Podcast 86

Get ready for a good one! In this episode I talk with Allen Marcus about growing up Christian, introduction into the occult, and a very chilling and personal story of "poltergeist" activity.